The amount of medication i am taking right now is actually insane. I feel like a drug addict on a prescription. If you know me personally, you’d know already that i’ve never been fond of medication. I’ve always relied on prayer, and letting my body heal on itself, and it has worked, up till now.
I can feel the effects If i miss a single dosage of my medication now, i know i have to take them in order to survive; it’s killing me.
I woke up feeling hopeful today; yes, i am filled with extreme fatigue and yes, i feel as though i might die tomorrow, but i am still however, very hopeful. I feel like my life after all of this is going to be extremely memorable. I have numbered memories from my last that i would relive any day, but i feel like what’s coming next is going to be so much greater.
Have you ever been so hungry that it feels like your stomach is eating your organs from the inside? That’s how i’ve felt every day for the past week. The worst part of it all is that I can’t prevent it. If eat till i’m full, it hurts and sometimes I genuinely forget that i have to eat. It’s like my body knows how much it hurts that it is learning to neglect food all together.
I’ve literally been having a panic attack all morning. I’ve never had a panic attack before in my life. At first i thought i was having a heart attack, i could literally see and if my heart pounding in my chest. It looks as though my chest is going to crack open any minute. The last time my heart rate was this high is when i had intense exercise literally a year ago.
I didn’t recognize i was having a panic attack till i cracked my head deep, i thought of all the time’s i saw people using a paper bag to breathe on tv, surely it couldn’t have been a heart attack if i feel no pain. After some research, i realized i was having a panic attack.
Tbh, knowing exactly what’s wrong with me makes me feel at least 10% better. I am working on my breathing now, so that’s helping too. I saw an article that mentions to picture one of your happy places to help calm your heart, and I can’t help but picture myself in Paris; typical of a fashion designer.
So I’m basically on like 7 different medication now. I had to get more because my heart rate wouldn’t slow down on it’s own. I feel weak, like my body is unable to heal on it’s own that i need an exaggerated amount of help to survive. I’m not sure how to feel about it.
Nevertheless, i feel better today. Like genuinely better. Yes, i do still feel the fatigue, partly because of the depressants i’m taking, could also be because my body is actively fighting a deadly virus, but i do feel at least 10% alive.
I’m fighting to feel normal so bad, i almost saw death multiple time’s that I don’t know what i’d do if i ever experience anything close to this again.
*Based on a true story through first hand experience, no false claims were made in the process of this writing*